Published: Wednesday April 1, 2015.
It’s April 1st, and time for a change. I’ve alluded to a planned change in my posting schedule, the reasons for which essentially breaks down into a handful of things, including:
Without wanting to rehash the same old ground over and over, and to save myself the indignity of a very public, frustration-fuelled arm flailing, I’m refocussing my time and energy elsewhere.
My recent descent into former bad habits, along with a rah-rah approach to the apparent resolution is merely posturing on my part. It doesn’t make me feel better to admit that, and you should understand that when I find encounter these problem—solution situations it’s because that’s what I’ve always done. The tech support. The helpful guy. The ability to fix things. That’s what I know.
I’m taking a few days off, away from the office and computers, then I’m getting back to work with clients who don’t grind me down. I’m going to be honest about what’s good and what’s not so good about my life, my job and my environment. Maybe I’ll fix some of these things. There’s a certain irony about wanting to make changes to a life role that I’ve taken on that revolves around fixing broken things, and it’s not lost on me.
I’m undecided as to whether my 500 words a day habit should continue. Some days it’s a millstone, others it’s just a thing. It’s never been motivational. I can’t see any improvement in my words over the past 3 months or so, and when I hit the hundred-day marker next week that’ll be upwards of 50,000 words written. For what, I don’t know.
In some respects, it’s a daily marker that I can cling to. It’s something I can go and do in half an hour to tick a thing off. But for what? If it’s the pinnacle of my day’s achievements, something’s broken and needs looking at. Again. The fixing. I can’t escape.
Honestly, I really don’t like being me, right now. I’m not angling for sympathy, nor am I expecting a magical cure for the torture I put myself through each day. All I know is that I want to get better, both in my work and the things I do outside the office. The problems I have were caused by me, and the recovery process should begin with me, also. A little pill each day won’t make the damnedest bit of difference at the moment; a walk, some meditation and small, incremental improvements every morning will.
Posts here will be less frequent, likely fortnightly until further notice.
Thank you for reading.