Published: Sunday January 25, 2015.
I’m cooking a small, celebratory portion of crinkle cut chips (fries). It’s Friday night, after 10pm, and I’ve made my first commit (code change) to Textpattern CMS involving PHP. I don’t know PHP. Rather, I am not a programmer, and I don’t know how to write PHP. I tried some stuff, figured out a few things by looking and fiddling, made a change that I’ve wanted to have in the software for about a year, tested it, and it worked. I am pleased. Smiling, actually. My brain had a workout and I made my first steps into PHP software development.
I spent almost an hour at the dentist yesterday. I had a collapsed filling repaired and rebuilt. It’s been too long since I had a dental checkup, but over the past month I’ve been making changes to get my mouth fixed up. In about a month, my mouth will be fixed up. It’s already had a positive effect on my confidence.
Today, I’m wearing an old Threadless shirt that I bought on January 1st, 2006. I bought two “God Hates Techno” shirts as part of an order totalling $200 in, presumably, the January sale. The rest of the order has long since been worn and washed many times, and either used for rags or sent to charity stores for resale. These two shirts, though…I consciously never wore them.
They were borderline too snug to be worn in public, and they are one of very few possessions I kept from my former life in Oxfordshire. My physique took more of a downward turn in the years following their purchase, but I dutifully kept them safe until the time would come that I could wear them and not feel self-conscious. I didn’t purchase any Threadless shirts from that point, though I snagged three prints when the sales rolled around. Threadless became less relevant as my shirts turned to plain black and bought in bulk, mostly because I was unhappy and had no imagination.
I can’t say I’m happy with my body situation, neither can I say I’m actively ‘working on it’; that’s a phrase that gets overused by people self-satisfying when there’s no visible progress. I can say I’m in better shape than when I moved to Cornwall. I have a different outlook than I did a thousand days ago. I have a different life, too. My future is rosier and I’m taking the path I want. I’m still stubborn, unpredictably grouchy, overly-sensitive to most things and irrationally loyal to others.
A thousand days ago, my life was in boxes on a truck. I was clinging to material possessions as some sort of insurance blanket. Roughly 70% of the box contents have either been disposed of, given away or sold. What once was no longer matters. I’m becoming the person I want to be.
Oh, and I still have a crush on a Threadless model from at least ten years ago. I don’t know her name and I can’t find her photos, but daaaaang her smile melted my heart.
I’ll work on finding her.
Update: I found photos. The Wayback Machine saves the day.